Four Color Funnies!

Assault and Batter Ray

2006-03-20T14:44:00.000-05:00

*PANEL 1*
GENERAL TSAO: What the hell?!? Quit screwing around and let's get a proper battle on.
GENERAL TSAO: Or I'm gonna be just another poorly planned filler villian like Cheney!
*PANEL 2*
GENERAL TSAO: First, I'll coat you in my crispy, spicy batter ray. I'm raising my arm and shooting.
GENERAL TSAO: Also, I'll describe everything as I do it 'cause the narrator passed out.
*PANEL 3*
THOR: Man! This stuff really stings!
THOR: Not like grabbing a hot pan or patting the Human Torch on the rear when he gets a touchdown. But still, ouch!"
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Trying to Win Back the "Fans"

2006-03-19T18:56:00.000-05:00

*PANEL 1*
GENERAL TSAO: So this is pretty much where we left off six months ago, huh? Someone shit the bed.
THOR: No way! Your trash talk is totally ruining our street cred. Because we were totally credible.
*PANEL 2*
THOR: And now, to regain the trust of the fans, loop-de-loop! Wheeeeee!">

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We Ordered the Sesame Chicken.

2005-07-14T12:33:00.000-04:00

*PANEL 1*
GENERAL TSAO: So! It seems in your haste to be a funny man, you forgot about General Tsao!
GENERAL TSAO: When that happen, most get sesame chicken. Not as tasty. Not even close.
*PANEL 2*
NARRATOR: Speaking of which, where’s the goddam sesame chicken I ordered like a month ago?
THOR: Yeah, you do smell pretty delicious. I’m gonna crack you open and eat your innards, red.
GENERAL TSAO: Easier done than said, swine. Wait, that’s not right. I was ripped up by stupid American phrasebook.">

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Thor bombs with the corpses.

2005-06-17T12:12:00.000-04:00

*PANEL 1*
THOR: So then the bartender says, “Of course we have ice cubes!” Funny right? Hello, you there?
*PANEL 2*
COP: Man, I do not get paid enough to deal flying drag queens in capes.
THOR: Nary a chuckle. This man is sick if not dead.
MEDIC: Quick, get a shot of me with Fabio and the corpse.
*PANEL 3*
NARRATOR: Paging Dr. Freud. Dr. Freud, do the front office. Possible surrogate cock emergency.
THOR: And now, let us bow our heads and pray.
THOR: Please, dad, let help me get a gig on Leno. Word.">

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Everybody's a Terrible Comedian.

2005-06-10T11:35:00.000-04:00

*PANEL 1*
THOR (off-panel): So, uh, wasp, I’ve gotta go. You’re cool, right? I’ll assume retching noises mean yes.
*PANEL 2*
THOR: Nice girl. A bit of a skank, but-- Hey, what’s this jet pilot doing sleeping on the job? Did the Air Force unionize?
Sound effect: Ba-dump ting!
*PANEL 3*
THOR: But seriously folks, I don’t pay taxes so the military can nap.
THOR: I don’t pay taxes, but that’s a different story.
Sound effect: Groan!" >

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Oh, yeah, superheroes. We forgot.

2005-05-04T22:17:00.000-04:00

*PANEL 1*
NARRATOR: One little bout of fear-shits and, BOOM! Explosion! Of course, anyone who’s following at home will recall who our doc is.
SOUND EFFECT: POOOOP!!
*PANEL 2*
NARRATOR: And let’s be honest; that’s nobody. So I don’t get paid and neither does blondie.
THOR: Hey, wow! I’m a big, blonde hippie!
WASP: Hey Thor, can you-
*PANEL 3*
THOR: Sorry about that, Wasp. I forgot how allergic I am to pixie dust. Why you call cocaine “pixie dust” I dunno.
THOR: Whatever floats your boat, Tinkerbell.">

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The Delicious Menace of General Tsao!

2005-05-03T10:38:00.000-04:00

NARRATOR: The Chinese military, in a last, spiteful effort, send in their secret weapon: General Tsao! Spicey!
SOLDIER 1: There’s delicious trouble ahead!
GENERAL TSAO: None of you can stop or resist my saucy battering. Prepare to eat sweet and spicey death, infidels!
SOLDIER 2: Oh man, I’m hungry again and I just ate like an hour ago.
*PANEL 2*
NARRATOR: Wow, that sounds great. Do you think China Palace would deliver to exposition?
DR. BLAKE: Time to do what I do whenever there’s trouble: shit myself in an alley. Hope no one sees.">

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The Fall of the Sawdust Regime!

2005-04-28T12:05:00.000-04:00

*PANEL 1*
SOLDIER 1: Lieutenant! I have heard the rumblings of dissidents in the streets! For some reason, they object to being shot in the head for mild offenses!
SOLIDER 2: Sweet! Shoot ‘em in head.
*PANEL 2*
SOLDIER 1: There! Get the traitor dissident!
SOLDIER 2: Damn! These cheap Chinese guns are sawdust! Like the whole regime!
SOLDIER 3: I must renounce all China. Back to fuck-you capitalism.
*PANEL 3*
CHINESE SOLDIER 1: I don’t think they’re buying our little takeover gambit. But they’ve got the Maoist speech style down pretty well.
CHINESE SOLDIER 2: That’s okay. I wasn’t looking forward to running Branson anyway. Let’s go get some ice cream and tell everyone that we’re Jackie Chan’s stuntmen. ">

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Chinese Democracy.

2005-04-22T12:12:00.000-04:00

Four Color Funnies!

Assault and Batter Ray

Trying to Win Back the "Fans"

We Ordered the Sesame Chicken.

Thor bombs with the corpses.

Everybody's a Terrible Comedian.

Oh, yeah, superheroes. We forgot.

The Delicious Menace of General Tsao!

The Fall of the Sawdust Regime!

Chinese Democracy.

Using my Powers for Annoyance.

Free Smacks, Baby. I Said Free Smacks.

The Tingler Strikes!

Our characters are complex!

Magic Powers Make Things Worse.

Fulfillin' contracts and infringin' copyrights.

Woo! Go Vikings!

We've secretly addled Steve's coffee.

Seriously, though, I don't want wings.

Trouble on Drug Island!

Return of the Wing Guy!

Ain't it Cool Floating Head.

Work is the Curse of the Drinking Class.

Packed with Innuendo!

Celebrate good times -- rainstorm!

Yeah, we're pretty sick of Iron Man, too.